me
I read Noelia Castillo Ramos's story and something doesn't add up.
brain
I can see it. Flooded system and freeze.
me
I'm trying to understand it, but I keep getting lost. One moment I think 'it can be done,' the next 'it can't,' and then everything blurs together.
brain
Because you're mixing levels. Let's try to put it together in one coherent piece.
me
Okay.
brain
What you see from the outside is the 'options exist' level. Treatment, therapy, change, help. That's the level the system stands on.
me
So 'it can be done,' because the tools exist somewhere.
brain
Yes. But that's the theoretical level. It doesn't account for the cost of actually accessing those options.
me
And I operate on a different level.
brain
On the level of feasibility. Meaning: what you're actually able to do in this state of body, energy, and conditions.
me
And that's where it falls apart.
brain
Exactly. Because trauma isn't a memory. It's a bodily state. If the body is in constant alarm, access to those 'options' becomes limited.
me
So they exist, but not for me.
brain
Or not at this moment. Or not at that cost.
me
And people outside don't see that.
brain
Often they only see the level where options exist. And then they say: 'try,' 'work on yourself.'
me
Which sounds like blame.
brain
Because they skip the level of resources. And without resources, there's nowhere to put that work.
me
So lack of room is not lack of willingness.
brain
It's lack of conditions.
me
And the system doesn't get that?
brain
It partly does, but it operates differently. It's built around 'repair.' It needs goals, procedures, measurable outcomes.
me
Not around lowering the cost.
brain
Exactly. That's harder to capture and harder to account for, so it becomes less often a real goal.
me
So even help can operate inside the wrong frame.
brain
Often inside a frame that doesn't fit the moment you're in.
me
And then therapy doesn't work.
brain
Or it works in theory, but not in practice, because the cost exceeds what is possible.
me
That explains why so many attempts felt like hitting a wall.
brain
Because the wall wasn't inside you. It was between 'it exists' and 'it is feasible.'
me
Okay. Then I'm going back to her.
brain
Okay.
me
Was euthanasia the only option?
brain
That's the wrong question. It assumes there were only two options and that this is about who was right.
me
So black and white again.
brain
Yes. A better question is: what options were realistically available and feasible for her at that level of overload?
me
So other options may have existed...
brain
...but they were not accessible or usable for her.
me
And that doesn't mean they weren't there.
brain
Only that they were out of reach.
me
So other people may have seen exits.
brain
But from a different resource level, and from outside the system.
me
And she was inside it.
brain
Inside a state where what matters is only what is possible here and now.
me
So the question isn't 'who was right.'
brain
It's 'what were the conditions, and what was feasible.'
me
And whether anyone tried to lower the cost instead of only proposing solutions.
brain
Exactly.
me
So all of this comes down to one thing.
brain
A mismatch between what the system recognizes as possible and what is actually possible for a concrete person.
me
And that is not a gap inside me.
brain
It's a structural gap.
me
That makes sense. But it still hurts.