Knowledge doesn’t bring relief. This merely indicates that you can more accurately determine the onset of overload.
The scream. A moment of “it starts” is experienced by every parent.
For me, it is a fragment from Apollo 13 — that mission in which nobody screamed even though they were running out of oxygen (full control, of course; a known procedure: oxygen runs out every day).
A technical brain is a technical escape into thought. Instead of a scream, I hear: “Houston, we’ve had a problem.” I’m a parent of two kids with a nervous system that’s been operating in emergency silence mode for a long time (the alarms were turned off long ago — energy economy, not heroism).
A generation that is aware but lacks resources.
I come from a generation that has become aware of problems without having the resources to solve them. An autistic parent who knows:
- What my parents did not know.
- That meltdown is not rebellion.
- That shutdown is not an offense.
- This is biology. This is tension. This is neurochemistry. This is serotonin. This is dopamine. This is too much sound.
- Traditional parenting methods belong in the attic (right next to the boxes of “good advice”).
Awareness has been achieved, and that is precisely why.
- You have no strength.
- Every thought has a cost.
- You observe the world, which is continuously and systematically destroying your children.
- You see it in HD.
It’s the same world, the same good advice, the same manuals written in a language I can’t stand. The key difference is you. You are aware of this, and it sounds like a promise for your children, but to you it sounds like a verdict — you no longer have any strength left.
The prevailing wisdom asserts that one should focus on personal growth, embrace a state of receptivity, and exhibit adaptability. I have no flexibility, except when it comes to my pain threshold. The help that I so desperately need finally arrives, but it comes in the form of normative language and a translation that leaves me utterly exhausted all over again. For reasons that are not clear, there are no workshops and no support for autistic parents. “I made it to adulthood” signifies: adjustment accomplished. So now, according to the logic of the world, a neurotypical interpretation of family dynamics is supposed to help us, but it’s not clear why or how this is supposed to work. And if that fails, the training lesson called “the norm” should be remembered. For me, that is just another energy drain.
I’m attempting to describe my world.
So I try to explain my world:
- This isn’t about emotions; it’s about nervous system energy.
- Physiology, not resistance, is the issue at hand.
- This is not control, but rather a system trying not to sink.
People look at me like I’m talking about quantum physics instead of life.
“Good autism parenting is not about being emotionally perfect. It’s about managing your energy honestly.” (Parenting When You’re Autistic — Pooky Knightsmith).
Parenting with an autistic perspective
Autistic parenting is not about boundaries, and this is something that must be understood. It is about handling the sensory load of two (or more) nervous systems in one house.
For those who are interested: this is precisely what autistic parenting is. Signal. Reception. Analysis. What the world sees as cool calm, I feel as regulatory calm.
Houston, we’ve had a problem
- Houston, we’ve had a problem.
- Roger, we copy… stand by — we’re looking at it.